I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
