So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
