please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
