If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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