New invention idea: vibrating tampons
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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