Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
