i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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