Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
