I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
