My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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