Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
