my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
