Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
