FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
