Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
