I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
