FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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