My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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