the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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