those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
