Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
