my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
