he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
