bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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