The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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