So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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