I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I AM VODKA MAN
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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