She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
