I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
