Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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