if you like me you must not know who I am
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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