I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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