There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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