Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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