I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
