Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
