if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
