The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
