Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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