im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
