i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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