Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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