I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
