OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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