I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
