He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
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