Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
