My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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