In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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