I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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