I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize