I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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