Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
