I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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