and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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